Skoolzout

“Countless generations of termites would only digest a mere fraction of the volumes here. And they wouldn’t be one wit wiser,”
Well, count me surprised. Twice in one day…though I’m not really sure what day and night around here anyway. A cavernous Reading Room was one thing, but the cost of filling a room the same size as this Library was definitely astronomical. Even more mind-boggling, some of the books were taller than I was. As I prepared to search for the cowardly elder, an Oyster ran past, saw me skulking in the corner, and threw a crumpled piece of parchment at my face before dancing a merry jig, clapping his hands and somersaulting on the spot. Chuckling slightly at his antics, I opened the scrap: ‘Had to rush. Left the Book of Bizarre Things at a high hiding place for your reference. See you in the Gymnasium.’ “‘Seek and ye shall find, they say. But they don’t say what you’ll find,” remarked Chessur, reading from beside my arms. “Then I’d just keep seeking till I find what I’m looking for,” I replied, setting off to scour the voluminous stacks.
It wasn’t until I was fending off Card Guards attacks from both flanks (why were there Guards here?! Are the books that valuable?) that I spotted the enormous, gold-leafed tome resting in an alcove, two storeys up. Swinging the Staff around to knock out the Guards who were rapidly closing in, I then slammed one end into the ground, clearing one imposing shelf in a single leap. “Steps to enlightenment brighten the way; but the steps are steep. Take them one at a time,” advised Chessur from beside the Book. “Eh? Whoa!” Evidently, the Card Guards had recovered from my assault, and seemed to have enough intelligence left in them to decide that the best way to get me down was to push me off the shelf, which might explain why it was toppling all of a sudden. I jumped for the nearest shelf, which was struck off balance by the one I just leapt off, and ad infinitum…
You know, I never liked playing dominoes.
Then I felt two strong paws grip my shoulders and haul me off the collapsing shelves, and I found myself panting between the humongous Book and a very complacent Chessur. Tottering over to look past the alcove ledge, I saw the Card Guards gesturing angrily at us, pointing their weapons uselessly, then beginning to squabble loudly among themselves. “I’d say you’d better get around to reading that Book before they argue up sufficient wits to call in Diamond reinforcements.” “There is no lock but it won’t open. It’s stuck.” “Think of it as a Chinese Box or a stubborn lid—a tap in the right spot might do the trick.” I considered the Book and the quibbling Guards thoughtfully, then kicked it off the ledge, hard, down several floors, a mischievous grin playing across my face. The Book crashed to the ground and grudgingly opened. “You call that a ‘tap’? Fortunate I didn’t suggest force. You might have pulverized it!” snickered Chessur as we descended gingerly down the haphazardly fallen bookshelves. Someone was going to have to pick up many pieces. “Hey, I killed those Guards didn’t !?” “That, I admit, was innovative indeed.” In their heated discussions, the Clubs didn’t exactly rate the large, rectangular shadow above their heads as “highly dangerous”. That their skulls weren’t stronger than the hardback volume certainly made my job easier.
I read the giant print on the open page: “‘Mushrooms, poppies, sugar and spice, all those things are very nice. When combined, the proper mixture makes a getting small elixir.’ Hmm. I don’t really like sweets.” “It’s not really a matter of liking something that’s good for you—or not. But I’m quite sure getting small was your main objective.” “Indeed. To the Gymnasium I go then,” I answered, finding my way to the Elder in the various cavernous rooms.
I’ll say one thing: we’re all mad here, but fortunately they get their signs right. Though they might consider looking into suitable repair works. Making my way across the Gymnasium to the Elder, who for some mysterious reason was perching high up on the rafters, was a damn sight harder than it should have been. As I traversed the rotting wooden beams, I couldn’t help but glance nervously at the equally bottomless pit beneath my feet, filled with endlessly high piles of books.
“I see you got my message. The Gymnasium should be safe. Cards Guards never exercise—can’t afford to lose the weight,” rumbled the Gnome Elder as he watched me approach. “I never cared much for sports at school…although during my ten years at the asylum it was usually either that or beating myself up. Both physically strenuous activities as I’m sure you’ll agree. But I don’t have to wear a pinny do I?” “No, it really wouldn’t suit you. In any case, I just wanted to inform you that I’ve found one of the ingredients for the shrinking potion: Mushrooms, freshly picked from the third grade greenhouse. Lovely texture…what’s that?” “It’ s a sucky prediction, meister!” I spat at him before springing towards what was left of the gym floor to tackle the three Boojums who had somehow floated out of the biblically inclined abyss.
As I prepared to fire shards at one Boojum, the Gnome Elder, surprisingly given his previous attitude, followed me down and, scrimmaging in his pocket, pulled out a satchel of shining dust not too different from the one I had collected, which he promptly flung into the air. He screwed up his eyes in concentration and the glittering dust reshaped into a test tube full of a glowing green fluid before my astonished stare. “Duck!” he yelled, hurling the tube towards the Boojums. The liquid in it turning red as it flew, the test tube abruptly exploded in a mini supernova of flames, catching all three spirits in its fury. Literally feeling the heat from the after effects of the chemical bomb, I questioned the Gnome Elder, who was gathering the dust from the expired Boojums: “How in wonderland did you do that?” “With quite some Imagination, but to explain more I’ll have to take you to the carpenter before you leave for the Vale of Tears.” “Carpenter? Vale of Tears?” “Oh, no time for that now! I have to mix up your potion in the Laboratory, and you need to get me a poppy seed.” “The Skool has a laboratory?” “Of course! This Skool serves more than nasty lunches. The laboratories are especially fascinating…if you can stand the vile stench. Hurry along, now,” muttered the Elder, trotting out of the Gym with me close behind.